I have a lot on my mind right now. We'll see how much of it I get out on here. Some of it should probably stay inside my head, while the rest should have been dumped out to my friends long ago. Right now I am about as emo as a holly-boo can get, but then again, I am in the quiet of my room. I am struggling with being real in front of even, my very best friends. I am very good at hiding my emotion and, am now realizing, hiding my "true" mood, feelings, etc. I kind of mentioned loneliness in my last post on the blog-- well, that is one demon that has been ever-present in my life since earlier this year. I've been reading Job and am realizing that sometimes God throws us some things now and again. I've have always been one to avoid things that would hinder my relationship with God. I remember thinking, as a young Christian, "dang, this Christianity thing will be easy. All I need to do is avoid bad things." I am finding out though, that those "bad things" have a way of getting past my avoidances. It's easier than I thought to fall into a lifestyle where God isn't present in every action-- this has been my school year this year. It is easier than I thought to not be real to your friends so they can't help you and lose interest in helping you-- my year. It is easier than I thought to trust humans to define your Christian walk and then realize that they are human-- this was the end of my "extreme participation in an religious group phase." It is easier than I thought to fall in love, or think you've fallen in love and then realize that you've been duped by a human. The pathway down is simple-- following humans instead of God, all the while, thinking you are doing something Godly. So after all of the realizations, the wounds are still here. Another misconception I had about being a Christian was that if you messed up, all you had to do was turn around and God was right there. Well, he's right there all right, but I am nearly blind with nearsightedness. He is a huge blur and my muscles for walking back to him have been weakened by their lack of use. So the good news is that I know he is still there- the bad news is that it is a struggle to get back. Especially with no support system, with this pervasive loneliness, with no direction for the future. I am one drained boo right now-- drained of hope and excitement-- two characteristics that I enjoyed possessing at one point. Even in the midst of friends last weekend, I found myself in a deep sadness as I drove home. I couldn't find that deep sense of joy that I usually experience when I fellowship with friends. I could't stop feeling lonely in a room full of people, or even with two of my best friends. It's amazing what a couple heartbreaks (yes, boys, but also things like 5.19, seeing friends go through major dispair, and loving non-Christians and then realizing their fate-- all heartbreaks in their own right) and a year of busyness can do to an energetic and optimistic person. To end this train of thought, here is a poem that is personal, but appropriate to share now, I think. Tess urged me earlier to share my poetry from my creative writing class. The class and prof found my work to be good-- but things like art and poetry are fueled by personal joy and sorrow and therefore, aren't always in abundance. I have felt both joy and sorrow flow through a paintbrush, and it flows so much more readily when those things are abundant in one's life. The same goes with words and poetry. This is just one of those poems.

My Exaggerations of What is Mostly Not Exaggerated

“nevermind, i don't love you
i haven't loved you for some time
what is love anyway?

you see, i am drawn to her
her and her keggers, blond hair, and big...
but i think you are beautiful
i am still attracted to you physically"

(apparently not in any other way—
inane omission on his part)

"you and all the others that look like her
you are the outlier
outliers eventually are eliminated
didn't you know that?"

"didn't
you
think
about
the odds
about statistics,
economic thought,
the costs and benefits
the odds were against our
being together from the start
reason says...”

reason says a lot of things
i am sensible and i see nothing

he forgets about degrees of intensity
reason weighs on a heart
much less than love
love is more
persuasive
as its
degree
is immeasurable

Another thing that is bothersome right now is that I have figured out that I often seek pleasure in pleasing others and not God because I love the instant gradification I receive from someone when they give me a thumbs up. I realized this today when: I stayed over today at work (which, if you didn't know, keeps me working from 7am-7pm), and I was a "body" which meant that the foremen on second shift could put me anywhere they wanted to. Well, they had me clean up around the place-- one of my least favorite jobs because it makes the time go so slowly. Well, I decided to go and get our big sweeper that you drive around. It is about as big as a forktruck and you cruise it around and you sweep. So, I was kind of stupid and drove it right through a really really messy part of the plant with really big pieces of brass all over the floor. The sweeper drug all of the debris out into the plant, and before I woke up from my daydream, I realized that I had REALLY made a mess of the place. So, I turned around and parked my sweeper (almost in tears), and started hand sweeping (because there were little brass rods poking out from under the sweeper that I would have to drag out, I couldn't really use it at the time). Just as I picked up a broom, the second shift foreman comes over and tells me, "Holly, you drug brass all the way out from casting into the factory. If you are going to clean casting- clean casting, if you are going to clean the factory- clean the factory; but you cannot do both! You have made a huge mess." "Yes, I know. I am sorry. I am cleaning it up right now. I drive through that way all the time and it has never been a problem (the casting people were the ones with the huge mess, btw)" "Well, you need to remember, from now on not to go through there. You've made this huge mess. You are going to need to clean all this up." "I know, I am sorry." *foreman storms off shaking head- literally* "Just keep sweeping sweeping sweeping" I sang to myself to hold back tears. Did he think I was an idiot. I realized what I had done and was cleaning it up. Gosh. Why did he have to keep yelling at me (he probably wasn't really yelling). Oh no, now the foremans are all going to think I am an idiot-- dang, I've worked so hard to be the best college student here and now I've ruined it. So then I proceeded to the bathroom (picture the smallest gas station bathroom you've been in-- dingy walls-- greasy floors-- clean toliet though--) This bathrooom is a one seater, and as depressing as it is, it is my safe-haven in the factory. What makes it so glorious is that it has a lock and no one ever uses the bathroom-- it is remote-- and I can go into it all by myself and let loose (the tears-- not other things) and talk to God, which is exactly what I did at that moment, earlier tonight. Through my hysterical fit (another nice thing about the bathroom is that it is right in between two machines-- no one can hear a thing coming from the bathroom), I realize through prayer and tears that I give too much creedence to others' opinions of me. I have been really depressed lately, I think, because there is no one to notice when I do something really grand, and to praise me justly. I am exaggerating, of course. But for my toddler years, I lived to please my parents-- while in school, I lived to please my teachers-- while in college, I found professors to please. Of course, the meta-person I wanted to please was God-- but in the day to day, I find other people to please. At the factory, it is the foremen and the people I work with that I wish to please. When I fail, I fall into a deep sadness and get angry. When I have failed to please friends, parents, professors, and boyfriends, these things have sprialed me farther and farther away from the one being I wish to please the most-- and that is God. So my encouragement to you and myself is to not get caught up in what others want and need from you-- those things are secondary (at most).

Okay-- well, that was cathartic. I am tired now and I sleep now.

-boo