[[Communication and Reciprocity]]

Tonight I found myself wondering why it is I hate the telephone. I owe Tess a phone call, I owe Becca a phone call, Kara, I'm sure, wouldn't mind a phone call. But I hate the phone. The phone is so phoney. I can't read a face over the phone. When you call someone, the silence is unacceptable-- a void that needs filled, but when you are in person, you can be as silent as you want at times. I always talk more with people who I am physically around-- I think everyone tends to do that. That is, unless they are obsessed with a person, as in a "fasinating new thing," as in a new relationship with a significant other. Other than that, I think we relate better when we can talk in person. I can even talk better online than on the phone.

I wonder why that is? I think that maybe you know more about the other person when you are talking online versus the phone. You don't know if they are taking a crap, if they are mouthing words to the other person (people) in the room, if you are on speaker phone, if they are paying attention to you, if they care about what you are saying... For some reason, you can know all those things, it seems, if you are talking to someone online, or especially in person. I get so distracted on the phone. My Mom has me do dishes, my family listens to half the conversation... I can't go outside-- I am allergic and the neighbors can then here the conversation I am having with my friends. Grrr.... I don't get it. I can't bring myself to call anyone.

I feel bad because Becca is hurt and is assuming the worst from her hurting. I do that too when I am hurt. I don't hate anyone because I don't call them up-- I don't not care about you and don't not want to talk to you. I just don't like phones. And when you haven't talked to someone in awhile, there's always the catching up to do which takes 5 minutes in person and seems to take forever on the phone. When you are on the phone you just sit and talk. When you are with someone you can be doing things-- walking, going somewhere, eating... just something.

I feel bad not being able to put people into my schedule-- but that is what I hate most about phone calls. You do have to put it in your schedule. It's like a huge statement that the person is no longer a part of your life and has to be now squeezed in. When I am at home, it is a different life. A life of 12 hour a day work days, coming home, helping to make dinner, eating, doing dishes, talking to my family for a few minutes, rollerblading, taking Colby on a walk, taking a shower, and going to bed. If I don't work 12 hours, there's Grandma's to visit, errands to run, and things to do for my family. I hate being at home for these reasons.

I love being at home for getting to spend time with my family, for getting to spend time with my puppy, for getting to spend time with my grandma's, for getting to blog more, for getting to make some sweet moola, for getting to read some good books (I need to write a blog about the latest book I just read).

The thing is, I don't know how to be close to people who are away from me. I am not the type to drop everything and sit and call someone. "uh huh, yep, uh huh, so what'd you do after that" When do you have a conversation like that in person? You don't! You can't be silly over the phone-- you can't "hang-out" over the phone. To be honest, I forget about my other lives when I am consumed by a different one.

There's some friendship quote about true friends knowing their friendship is strong even when they are apart-- like being able to know that when they see each other the next time, that they will be about to have fun together just like they did when they were last with each other. I guess that is my mantra.

Becca, I am sorry if you expect more reciprocity from me. I shouldn't have told you I would call, when I know I am not good at calling. Not that I won't talk on the phone should anyone call, it's just that I don't often think of calling people and I honestly kinda dread it. I DON'T DREAD talking to my friends-- I just dread the time spent in sitting in the chair, not doing anything, but just sitting there.

The reason I like blogs so much is because they efficiently take care of wasted time in conversation, in my opinion. You can read about what people are doing, how they are feeling, what they are learning, etc., so you don't have to spend so much time conversing about the surface stuff and really dig deep into conversation when you are with each other, or you can actually do stuff together.

Becca, if you want to talk on the phone. Let's do it. I am sorry I haven't been a better friend. It's not your fault that my favored form of communication is not an option for our friendship. Admittedly, I am not a very giving friend, especiallly not right now. It is something that I need to work on. Maybe I will force myself into a schedule. We should have a group phone call or something. I don't know if that is possible.

It's just that a hour per close friend is about 4-5 hours a week, and when I only get one hour of free time a night, usually spent with the Lord or helping my sister with a project, it is hard for me to afford that hour. What takes a hour on phone takes 5 minutes on email or in person. What an insensitive efficiency argument.

What I am saying is that I would rather hang out with all of you and when we aren't hanging out, why don't we just trust the fact that we can catch up and hang out when we get back together. Why are there assumptions that so and so hates so and so because there hasn't been communication--- UGH... see, even just now my Mom is yelling for me to come upstairs and help her. I can't help everyone and I can't be everyone's genie. I can try to fulfill everyone's expectations, but dang-- I am tired of it. That is where I stumble is when I try to please men all the time. I forget what God wants of me-- why do people expect so much of me or why do I assume they do.

Leslie serves a purpose for you, Becca. I don't know if we can all do that or if we were all meant to. If you wanted to talk on the phone with me, just call me. Tess knows and I don't think she minds the way I am. She knows that if she wants to talk to me, that she will probably have to call. It's not that I don't love Tess, or that I don't want to talk to her, it's just that I would rather drive up to BG and see Tess and hang out at Grounds and I would probably think of doing that before I would think of calling her up on the phone. If you really want me to call you, I can. I am just saying that it is a huge weakness of mine to remember to do such things. I was the world's worst penpal and I am probably the world's worst phone caller.

Reciprocity is one of the powers of influence that are in this book we read for IMPACT called Influence. The author suggests that we beware the powers of reciprocity because it influences us to do things that are not desireable. One should find other reasons why s/he should do something and not just do something because someone else did it for them. In short, I should not necessarily feel like I should call someone if they called me. Think of all the telemarketers I owe a phone call. If I were to call someone, the motivation should be that I want to call that person, or that the person needs me to call them. Becca, I did not know that you had that need until you blogged so.

Well, that's enough about annoyances. If any of you all are upset about something that involves me, just come on over and we'll talk about it, or if you want, you can call me. The public forum might not be the best place for these conversations, but then again, we can all learn from each other. I think this is one of those things I appreciate about men, they don't need to call each other to know that they still care about each other. I guess I don't need the reminder either, but maybe I do, just in other ways.

[[Vacation]]

I am leaving for vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC in a few days. I am really excited because I am going to see a cousin I haven't seen since I was about 12. She was one of my best friends. I talked to her on the phone the other day and it was just like I said before-- even though we haven't seen each other for about ten years and have only talked to her a couple times through letters since then, everything was just as we had left it. We were able to talk and get along and everything. Anyway, if you don't hear from me for awhile, it's not because of lack of care, but because I am on vacation.

[[My Mom is Nuts]]

I have been fighting with my mom like crazy, so pray for me there. She expects me to be her servant all the time. And I don't mind doing things for her, but I hate pissing off my friends. My phone was just ringing awhile ago (probably Tess) and I wasn't allowed to answer it because I had to take some suitcases out to the motorhome. My sister is never here because of the way my Mom is. She is painting with a friend right now and my Dad is eating ice cream and watching TV. He is the only one that doesn't have to answer to my Mom. That usually leaves me to do whatever she wants me to. We got in the biggest fight the other day about my sister and I sharing clothes. My sister "borrows" my clothes and other stuff (art supplies, computer, iPod, etc) all of the time without asking. I finally got tired of just saying, "Hey Tara, isn't that my shirt? Ask next time you want to wear something." So I got mad at her the other day when she cut the sleaves off of one of my t-shirts and wore it to paint in. She said that my Mom gave her permission (something she would never give me permission to do to my sister's clothes), and I told her she couldn't go in my room for a week and couldn't borrow a single thing. Well, my Mom got all mad at me and went ballistic-- it makes her mad because she can yell and swear all she wants and I usually keep my cool. I just try to reason with her and tell her that it is not fair that Tara can just use my stuff anytime she wants without asking, but I cannot do the same. Well, to make a longer story shorter, my Mom yelled at me till tears formed, and I got the crap out of the house for awhile. I can't wait until I have a job and some money to go somewhere, get an apt., and move away. I am tired and again, lonely. (Don't stop reading my blog if it is too depressing-- I am not all that depressed and will get lighter here somewhere)

[[Move Away?]]

Is everyone still going to Austin? Sorry, Tess. I cannot imagine myself in Austin. I've been thinking about it, and praying about it. I still don't know where I am going. Maybe God will open up my heart to the biggest red state, with the most capital punishment cases, etc.-- It just seems like the least compassionate and the hottest place one could go in the country. I really like sweaters.

[[The DaVinci Code]]

I just read this book and it was awesome. My Grandma asked me to read it and talk about it with her so I decided to since I can't afford to buy any books right now. It is amazing and I suggest it for the Christians out there. I want to research some of the "facts" in the book and what they mean to the way I see and worship God. The "facts" seem to make Jesus even more human that we believe-- but who knows. I would love to discuss it with you guys. Maybe I will post some of the most amazing things I read about in this book.

[[Ann Arbor]]

A couple of weekends ago, I traveled to BG to visit some friends. It was a great time. I was struggling with some depressive stuff for some reason. I am super lonely here lately, and I am trying to fight that with the best thing I know how-- by strengthening my relationship with God. But it was so good to hang out with everyone at Joel's house. After Joel's BBQ we went back to Roo's room and watched TMNT-- such a classic. Then, the next morning, Mike and Tess surprised me with a trip to Ann Arbor. We did all of the normal Ann Arbor things and ate at a Mongolian BBQ. Good stuff. Thanks Mike and Tess. I don't think I ever told you of my appreciation. Thanks Joel, for the BBQ. I will probably come to visit in a couple of weekends-- when I get back from Myrtle Beach.
Hey, Mike, can you send me some of those Ann Arbor pics? Is there anyway to do it through IM or something not my email. Kara loaded my inbox 5 times with pics and I don't think the inbox could take any more pics.

[[Nearing the End]]

Okay, I am probably going to go now. My Mom keeps yelling at me about something new, but I keep drowning her out. I am going to get it if I don't go. This might be one of my longest blogs ever. Hope you're not bored. Now you are all updated so we can talk about something different should I call you or you decide to call me.

3 more days of work till vacation-- woo hoo,

boo