Hey all,

I thought you might like to see some pics of my trip to NYC. These are a little outdated (Jan.). We should all go to NYC sometime?

Van Gogh's A Starry Night!!! Whaa!! (I got in trouble for taking this picture, so love it, dang it)



Studying in Borders on the last day (these won't be in chronological order)-- we were tuckered out. This is my friend Sarah and I.



Me in front of MTV studios. I think this is exciting because I grew up in front of MTV. I almost cried the first time I saw this place like I did when I was ten and visited Nickelodeon Studios.



This is Laren and I eating chocolate covered strawberries in Greenwich Village. We are at an awesome street fair. I bought the hat I am wearing in the picture there.



Tess, here's one for the kissing scrapbook. I kissed this bunny in front of the MOMA (Modern Museum of Art- I just defeated the purpose of the abbreviation- from now on MOMA) and in front of a lot of NYC ppl and tourists.



Bobbie Jo and I in Central Park on a big rock.



And that's it for now.

-boo

[[Communication and Reciprocity]]

Tonight I found myself wondering why it is I hate the telephone. I owe Tess a phone call, I owe Becca a phone call, Kara, I'm sure, wouldn't mind a phone call. But I hate the phone. The phone is so phoney. I can't read a face over the phone. When you call someone, the silence is unacceptable-- a void that needs filled, but when you are in person, you can be as silent as you want at times. I always talk more with people who I am physically around-- I think everyone tends to do that. That is, unless they are obsessed with a person, as in a "fasinating new thing," as in a new relationship with a significant other. Other than that, I think we relate better when we can talk in person. I can even talk better online than on the phone.

I wonder why that is? I think that maybe you know more about the other person when you are talking online versus the phone. You don't know if they are taking a crap, if they are mouthing words to the other person (people) in the room, if you are on speaker phone, if they are paying attention to you, if they care about what you are saying... For some reason, you can know all those things, it seems, if you are talking to someone online, or especially in person. I get so distracted on the phone. My Mom has me do dishes, my family listens to half the conversation... I can't go outside-- I am allergic and the neighbors can then here the conversation I am having with my friends. Grrr.... I don't get it. I can't bring myself to call anyone.

I feel bad because Becca is hurt and is assuming the worst from her hurting. I do that too when I am hurt. I don't hate anyone because I don't call them up-- I don't not care about you and don't not want to talk to you. I just don't like phones. And when you haven't talked to someone in awhile, there's always the catching up to do which takes 5 minutes in person and seems to take forever on the phone. When you are on the phone you just sit and talk. When you are with someone you can be doing things-- walking, going somewhere, eating... just something.

I feel bad not being able to put people into my schedule-- but that is what I hate most about phone calls. You do have to put it in your schedule. It's like a huge statement that the person is no longer a part of your life and has to be now squeezed in. When I am at home, it is a different life. A life of 12 hour a day work days, coming home, helping to make dinner, eating, doing dishes, talking to my family for a few minutes, rollerblading, taking Colby on a walk, taking a shower, and going to bed. If I don't work 12 hours, there's Grandma's to visit, errands to run, and things to do for my family. I hate being at home for these reasons.

I love being at home for getting to spend time with my family, for getting to spend time with my puppy, for getting to spend time with my grandma's, for getting to blog more, for getting to make some sweet moola, for getting to read some good books (I need to write a blog about the latest book I just read).

The thing is, I don't know how to be close to people who are away from me. I am not the type to drop everything and sit and call someone. "uh huh, yep, uh huh, so what'd you do after that" When do you have a conversation like that in person? You don't! You can't be silly over the phone-- you can't "hang-out" over the phone. To be honest, I forget about my other lives when I am consumed by a different one.

There's some friendship quote about true friends knowing their friendship is strong even when they are apart-- like being able to know that when they see each other the next time, that they will be about to have fun together just like they did when they were last with each other. I guess that is my mantra.

Becca, I am sorry if you expect more reciprocity from me. I shouldn't have told you I would call, when I know I am not good at calling. Not that I won't talk on the phone should anyone call, it's just that I don't often think of calling people and I honestly kinda dread it. I DON'T DREAD talking to my friends-- I just dread the time spent in sitting in the chair, not doing anything, but just sitting there.

The reason I like blogs so much is because they efficiently take care of wasted time in conversation, in my opinion. You can read about what people are doing, how they are feeling, what they are learning, etc., so you don't have to spend so much time conversing about the surface stuff and really dig deep into conversation when you are with each other, or you can actually do stuff together.

Becca, if you want to talk on the phone. Let's do it. I am sorry I haven't been a better friend. It's not your fault that my favored form of communication is not an option for our friendship. Admittedly, I am not a very giving friend, especiallly not right now. It is something that I need to work on. Maybe I will force myself into a schedule. We should have a group phone call or something. I don't know if that is possible.

It's just that a hour per close friend is about 4-5 hours a week, and when I only get one hour of free time a night, usually spent with the Lord or helping my sister with a project, it is hard for me to afford that hour. What takes a hour on phone takes 5 minutes on email or in person. What an insensitive efficiency argument.

What I am saying is that I would rather hang out with all of you and when we aren't hanging out, why don't we just trust the fact that we can catch up and hang out when we get back together. Why are there assumptions that so and so hates so and so because there hasn't been communication--- UGH... see, even just now my Mom is yelling for me to come upstairs and help her. I can't help everyone and I can't be everyone's genie. I can try to fulfill everyone's expectations, but dang-- I am tired of it. That is where I stumble is when I try to please men all the time. I forget what God wants of me-- why do people expect so much of me or why do I assume they do.

Leslie serves a purpose for you, Becca. I don't know if we can all do that or if we were all meant to. If you wanted to talk on the phone with me, just call me. Tess knows and I don't think she minds the way I am. She knows that if she wants to talk to me, that she will probably have to call. It's not that I don't love Tess, or that I don't want to talk to her, it's just that I would rather drive up to BG and see Tess and hang out at Grounds and I would probably think of doing that before I would think of calling her up on the phone. If you really want me to call you, I can. I am just saying that it is a huge weakness of mine to remember to do such things. I was the world's worst penpal and I am probably the world's worst phone caller.

Reciprocity is one of the powers of influence that are in this book we read for IMPACT called Influence. The author suggests that we beware the powers of reciprocity because it influences us to do things that are not desireable. One should find other reasons why s/he should do something and not just do something because someone else did it for them. In short, I should not necessarily feel like I should call someone if they called me. Think of all the telemarketers I owe a phone call. If I were to call someone, the motivation should be that I want to call that person, or that the person needs me to call them. Becca, I did not know that you had that need until you blogged so.

Well, that's enough about annoyances. If any of you all are upset about something that involves me, just come on over and we'll talk about it, or if you want, you can call me. The public forum might not be the best place for these conversations, but then again, we can all learn from each other. I think this is one of those things I appreciate about men, they don't need to call each other to know that they still care about each other. I guess I don't need the reminder either, but maybe I do, just in other ways.

[[Vacation]]

I am leaving for vacation to Myrtle Beach, SC in a few days. I am really excited because I am going to see a cousin I haven't seen since I was about 12. She was one of my best friends. I talked to her on the phone the other day and it was just like I said before-- even though we haven't seen each other for about ten years and have only talked to her a couple times through letters since then, everything was just as we had left it. We were able to talk and get along and everything. Anyway, if you don't hear from me for awhile, it's not because of lack of care, but because I am on vacation.

[[My Mom is Nuts]]

I have been fighting with my mom like crazy, so pray for me there. She expects me to be her servant all the time. And I don't mind doing things for her, but I hate pissing off my friends. My phone was just ringing awhile ago (probably Tess) and I wasn't allowed to answer it because I had to take some suitcases out to the motorhome. My sister is never here because of the way my Mom is. She is painting with a friend right now and my Dad is eating ice cream and watching TV. He is the only one that doesn't have to answer to my Mom. That usually leaves me to do whatever she wants me to. We got in the biggest fight the other day about my sister and I sharing clothes. My sister "borrows" my clothes and other stuff (art supplies, computer, iPod, etc) all of the time without asking. I finally got tired of just saying, "Hey Tara, isn't that my shirt? Ask next time you want to wear something." So I got mad at her the other day when she cut the sleaves off of one of my t-shirts and wore it to paint in. She said that my Mom gave her permission (something she would never give me permission to do to my sister's clothes), and I told her she couldn't go in my room for a week and couldn't borrow a single thing. Well, my Mom got all mad at me and went ballistic-- it makes her mad because she can yell and swear all she wants and I usually keep my cool. I just try to reason with her and tell her that it is not fair that Tara can just use my stuff anytime she wants without asking, but I cannot do the same. Well, to make a longer story shorter, my Mom yelled at me till tears formed, and I got the crap out of the house for awhile. I can't wait until I have a job and some money to go somewhere, get an apt., and move away. I am tired and again, lonely. (Don't stop reading my blog if it is too depressing-- I am not all that depressed and will get lighter here somewhere)

[[Move Away?]]

Is everyone still going to Austin? Sorry, Tess. I cannot imagine myself in Austin. I've been thinking about it, and praying about it. I still don't know where I am going. Maybe God will open up my heart to the biggest red state, with the most capital punishment cases, etc.-- It just seems like the least compassionate and the hottest place one could go in the country. I really like sweaters.

[[The DaVinci Code]]

I just read this book and it was awesome. My Grandma asked me to read it and talk about it with her so I decided to since I can't afford to buy any books right now. It is amazing and I suggest it for the Christians out there. I want to research some of the "facts" in the book and what they mean to the way I see and worship God. The "facts" seem to make Jesus even more human that we believe-- but who knows. I would love to discuss it with you guys. Maybe I will post some of the most amazing things I read about in this book.

[[Ann Arbor]]

A couple of weekends ago, I traveled to BG to visit some friends. It was a great time. I was struggling with some depressive stuff for some reason. I am super lonely here lately, and I am trying to fight that with the best thing I know how-- by strengthening my relationship with God. But it was so good to hang out with everyone at Joel's house. After Joel's BBQ we went back to Roo's room and watched TMNT-- such a classic. Then, the next morning, Mike and Tess surprised me with a trip to Ann Arbor. We did all of the normal Ann Arbor things and ate at a Mongolian BBQ. Good stuff. Thanks Mike and Tess. I don't think I ever told you of my appreciation. Thanks Joel, for the BBQ. I will probably come to visit in a couple of weekends-- when I get back from Myrtle Beach.
Hey, Mike, can you send me some of those Ann Arbor pics? Is there anyway to do it through IM or something not my email. Kara loaded my inbox 5 times with pics and I don't think the inbox could take any more pics.

[[Nearing the End]]

Okay, I am probably going to go now. My Mom keeps yelling at me about something new, but I keep drowning her out. I am going to get it if I don't go. This might be one of my longest blogs ever. Hope you're not bored. Now you are all updated so we can talk about something different should I call you or you decide to call me.

3 more days of work till vacation-- woo hoo,

boo

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/05/31/opinion/31 kristof.html?

This is a wonderful piece put together by nicholas kristof. can you believe that ppl write letters like the one at the top of the article-- the one his response is direct towards?

I have a lot on my mind right now. We'll see how much of it I get out on here. Some of it should probably stay inside my head, while the rest should have been dumped out to my friends long ago. Right now I am about as emo as a holly-boo can get, but then again, I am in the quiet of my room. I am struggling with being real in front of even, my very best friends. I am very good at hiding my emotion and, am now realizing, hiding my "true" mood, feelings, etc. I kind of mentioned loneliness in my last post on the blog-- well, that is one demon that has been ever-present in my life since earlier this year. I've been reading Job and am realizing that sometimes God throws us some things now and again. I've have always been one to avoid things that would hinder my relationship with God. I remember thinking, as a young Christian, "dang, this Christianity thing will be easy. All I need to do is avoid bad things." I am finding out though, that those "bad things" have a way of getting past my avoidances. It's easier than I thought to fall into a lifestyle where God isn't present in every action-- this has been my school year this year. It is easier than I thought to not be real to your friends so they can't help you and lose interest in helping you-- my year. It is easier than I thought to trust humans to define your Christian walk and then realize that they are human-- this was the end of my "extreme participation in an religious group phase." It is easier than I thought to fall in love, or think you've fallen in love and then realize that you've been duped by a human. The pathway down is simple-- following humans instead of God, all the while, thinking you are doing something Godly. So after all of the realizations, the wounds are still here. Another misconception I had about being a Christian was that if you messed up, all you had to do was turn around and God was right there. Well, he's right there all right, but I am nearly blind with nearsightedness. He is a huge blur and my muscles for walking back to him have been weakened by their lack of use. So the good news is that I know he is still there- the bad news is that it is a struggle to get back. Especially with no support system, with this pervasive loneliness, with no direction for the future. I am one drained boo right now-- drained of hope and excitement-- two characteristics that I enjoyed possessing at one point. Even in the midst of friends last weekend, I found myself in a deep sadness as I drove home. I couldn't find that deep sense of joy that I usually experience when I fellowship with friends. I could't stop feeling lonely in a room full of people, or even with two of my best friends. It's amazing what a couple heartbreaks (yes, boys, but also things like 5.19, seeing friends go through major dispair, and loving non-Christians and then realizing their fate-- all heartbreaks in their own right) and a year of busyness can do to an energetic and optimistic person. To end this train of thought, here is a poem that is personal, but appropriate to share now, I think. Tess urged me earlier to share my poetry from my creative writing class. The class and prof found my work to be good-- but things like art and poetry are fueled by personal joy and sorrow and therefore, aren't always in abundance. I have felt both joy and sorrow flow through a paintbrush, and it flows so much more readily when those things are abundant in one's life. The same goes with words and poetry. This is just one of those poems.

My Exaggerations of What is Mostly Not Exaggerated

“nevermind, i don't love you
i haven't loved you for some time
what is love anyway?

you see, i am drawn to her
her and her keggers, blond hair, and big...
but i think you are beautiful
i am still attracted to you physically"

(apparently not in any other way—
inane omission on his part)

"you and all the others that look like her
you are the outlier
outliers eventually are eliminated
didn't you know that?"

"didn't
you
think
about
the odds
about statistics,
economic thought,
the costs and benefits
the odds were against our
being together from the start
reason says...”

reason says a lot of things
i am sensible and i see nothing

he forgets about degrees of intensity
reason weighs on a heart
much less than love
love is more
persuasive
as its
degree
is immeasurable

Another thing that is bothersome right now is that I have figured out that I often seek pleasure in pleasing others and not God because I love the instant gradification I receive from someone when they give me a thumbs up. I realized this today when: I stayed over today at work (which, if you didn't know, keeps me working from 7am-7pm), and I was a "body" which meant that the foremen on second shift could put me anywhere they wanted to. Well, they had me clean up around the place-- one of my least favorite jobs because it makes the time go so slowly. Well, I decided to go and get our big sweeper that you drive around. It is about as big as a forktruck and you cruise it around and you sweep. So, I was kind of stupid and drove it right through a really really messy part of the plant with really big pieces of brass all over the floor. The sweeper drug all of the debris out into the plant, and before I woke up from my daydream, I realized that I had REALLY made a mess of the place. So, I turned around and parked my sweeper (almost in tears), and started hand sweeping (because there were little brass rods poking out from under the sweeper that I would have to drag out, I couldn't really use it at the time). Just as I picked up a broom, the second shift foreman comes over and tells me, "Holly, you drug brass all the way out from casting into the factory. If you are going to clean casting- clean casting, if you are going to clean the factory- clean the factory; but you cannot do both! You have made a huge mess." "Yes, I know. I am sorry. I am cleaning it up right now. I drive through that way all the time and it has never been a problem (the casting people were the ones with the huge mess, btw)" "Well, you need to remember, from now on not to go through there. You've made this huge mess. You are going to need to clean all this up." "I know, I am sorry." *foreman storms off shaking head- literally* "Just keep sweeping sweeping sweeping" I sang to myself to hold back tears. Did he think I was an idiot. I realized what I had done and was cleaning it up. Gosh. Why did he have to keep yelling at me (he probably wasn't really yelling). Oh no, now the foremans are all going to think I am an idiot-- dang, I've worked so hard to be the best college student here and now I've ruined it. So then I proceeded to the bathroom (picture the smallest gas station bathroom you've been in-- dingy walls-- greasy floors-- clean toliet though--) This bathrooom is a one seater, and as depressing as it is, it is my safe-haven in the factory. What makes it so glorious is that it has a lock and no one ever uses the bathroom-- it is remote-- and I can go into it all by myself and let loose (the tears-- not other things) and talk to God, which is exactly what I did at that moment, earlier tonight. Through my hysterical fit (another nice thing about the bathroom is that it is right in between two machines-- no one can hear a thing coming from the bathroom), I realize through prayer and tears that I give too much creedence to others' opinions of me. I have been really depressed lately, I think, because there is no one to notice when I do something really grand, and to praise me justly. I am exaggerating, of course. But for my toddler years, I lived to please my parents-- while in school, I lived to please my teachers-- while in college, I found professors to please. Of course, the meta-person I wanted to please was God-- but in the day to day, I find other people to please. At the factory, it is the foremen and the people I work with that I wish to please. When I fail, I fall into a deep sadness and get angry. When I have failed to please friends, parents, professors, and boyfriends, these things have sprialed me farther and farther away from the one being I wish to please the most-- and that is God. So my encouragement to you and myself is to not get caught up in what others want and need from you-- those things are secondary (at most).

Okay-- well, that was cathartic. I am tired now and I sleep now.

-boo